Tuesday, September 16, 2008

So You Want to be a Bread Truck Part II

In the first installment we went over the tried and true methods to becoming big like a bread truck. Lets be honest, those first 10 tips are for the amateurs among us and as we all know you aspire to be advanced. Well I can't promise this will bring you to that level but you'll be an intermediate at least and well on your way. In any case, hopefully part II will give you what you need to take it to the next level.

Don't worry, to get to the next level there won't be any stairs

11. Disturb your sleep. Having negative sleep patterns will affect your hormone output thus making it difficult for your body to regulate your weight. So make sure you fall asleep to the television, or other noise and light inducing device.

12. Eat Cereal. Most people don't realize that after you eat a bowl of cereal you are hungry again in an hour. This is because cereal isn't actually food. It is a food like substance that was designed to cure masturbation. Aside from that it will leave you hungry in the later hours which will allow for more binging. If you aren't skipping breakfast, then hold out as long as you can and then woof down a bowl of cereal. Make sure you are ready to go with something else to stuff in your face an hour later as your tummy will be good and ready.

13. Avoid the Sun. The sun causes cancer, and bread trucks have more skin to absorb those rays of light, so make sure you avoid it at all costs. You want to load up on SPF 9000 and double up with an extra coat. This will ensure your vitamin d levels are catastrophically low. This lack of sun exposure will lower free testosterone levels in your body thus eliminating a key hormone to muscle production. And remember muscle burns calories, and the bread truck is all about saving calories!

14. Eat a boatload of carbs before bed. If you eat carbs right before you go to bed all that energy will get stored as you sleep, you know in your belly. This is a good time to load up on calories because your bodies lack of activity will make it difficult to burn off. And when I say carbs we're talking the good carbs, like ho-ho's, cakes, ice creams, and the like.

Perfect Pre-Bed Snack

15. Hang out with other Bread Trucks. As the saying goes in the financial world your income will likely be the average of the 10 people that are closest to you. Likewise your breadtruckedness will be defined by those close to you, so it's important to have social support en route to your goal. A recent study even showed that obesity may be contagious, so take full advantage. Social support is the reason why programs like weight watchers are so successful. Even the fact that their program isn't all that great, the social support trumps all. If they can do that for weight loss, surely we can do that for weight gain!

When Bread Trucks get together everybody wins!

Well that will wrap it up for this rendition of Bread Trucks. Some may have found this humorous, while others were offended, but the intent was that maybe you learned something. The goal of this article was to bring to your attention how off the wall the most seemingly innocent things we do in our daily lives are. As crazy as some of these '15 rules to being a bread truck' might sound, I see it on a daily basis. If any of this applies to you take the time to re-evaluate what you are doing, especially if you are trying to keep the pounds off. I know when I was a tubby kid I did a number of these things habitually.

2 comments:

Jared said...

Gregg this is a money post.

To often fitness writers tout the right way of doing things but they won't specifically write about the wrong way. Part of the reason why people are over weight is that they convince themselves that their poor habits are actually correct and no one tells/shows them otherwise.

People will always choose the path of least resistance.

Gregg said...

@Jared
Great point, people definitely tend to rationalize poor habits. One that comes to mind is you tell someone they can eat a potato and the next thing you know they are eating french fries. Tell them they can have a tomato and they are pouring a gallon of ketchup on their burger.

Thanks for the input!