Monday, September 15, 2008

How to be Big Like a Bread Truck

Aspire to build the Bread Truck* Physique

So you want to get fat, and not just soft or chunky. You want want to be so fat that you can be the envy of all your friends. You want to make sure you have to turn sideways to get through doorways and struggle to put on your pants and tie your shoes. If this sounds like you then Part I of this 2 part article series will give you the strategies that can accelerate your progress. So what is the bread truck physique you ask?

Just one example of being big like a bread truck

1. Skip Breakfast - Skipping breakfast will allow you to gorge on extra calories later while keeping your body catabolic in the morning. By keeping the body catabolic you waste away muscle tissue, which is good because muscle burns calories. You want to store as many calories as you can, so lets get rid of that muscle. It should be noted that sumo wrestlers skip breakfast and then eat two much larger meals later in the day. So you want to increase your calories as the day goes on.

2. Don't Eat Vegetables - Vegetables fill you up for a long time while failing to deliver the kinds of calories you need to get disgustingly fat. They also contain all kinds of nutrients which will accelerate fat loss. And as for fiber you don't want much of that. That will keep you satiated for much longer than you want. If you must eat vegetables, make sure you bread them and fry them first. Dipping them in a fatty cheese sauce or sugar laiden sauce scores you extra points.

The only way to eat your veggies

3. Eat Mindlessly - Eating in front of the TV is the best way to get extra calories in. Bring the entire bag of whatever your heart desires with you and try not to focus on the food. You'll be lucky if you find yourself reaching for the crumbs because that means you've gotten through the entire bag. Go you! If you had only put some in a bowl like a normal person you'd have to get up (calorie expenditure) and refill your bowl. But you were more efficient and failed to even dirty a plate. Who wants to do dishes anyway.

4. Take the Elevator - I used to work at a place that was 2 stories. They fortunately had an elevator for the bread trucks. Those that used the elevator to travel 1 whole floor were signifcantly fatter than those that took the stairs. These are the same people that take 20 minutes to find that perfect parking spot. Make sure you find these people, befriend them and learnd from them. How else do you think I came up with all these strategies!

5. Drink Calorie containing Beverages - Soda's, Fruit Juices and sports drinks all provide tons of calories in a portable format. Drink these in between meals and snacks to ensure your digestive system never gets a break from digesting all those calories. Sports drinks are especially good when not doing any physical activity.

6. Do Steady State Cardio rather than Strength Training - If you must go to the gym make sure you spend time on things like the elliptical and treadmill and do steady state cardio. This will ensure you only burn calories during your workout and don't build any muscle. Muscle burns calories, we don't want that. You'll notice that most of the people in the gym that are overweight and obese spend their lives on these machines yet never seem to get any thinner. This will fit the bill perfectly. You also want to do the same workout every time. This will make you really efficient at that workout and you'll burn less calories. Don't even think about progressing. Keep the incline at 0.0 and don't run or walk any faster. You'll end up raising the heart rate and create more calorie burn.

7. Avoid Protein - Protein has a high thermic effect of feeding. This means it takes more calories to digest. Make sure you eat mostly fat and processed carbs. These are much faster to digest, and don't expend much calories. Plus the processed carbs will make you hungry sooner so you can get more food in. Protein helps muscle recovery and rebuilding as well. Muscle is evil, it will make you big and bulky! We don't want bulk here, we just want super size with none of the bulk.

8. Eat Fast - It takes your body 20 minutes to send the signal from your tummy to your brain to tell you that you are full. You want to take full advantage of this. Even though you are full that gives you a full 20 minutes to pack in more calories. So eat fast and don't stop. You'll impress yourself with how much food you can get in.

9. Eat Out - Most restaurants use cheap foods so they can pass the savings along to you. Good thing that cheap foods tend to often pack some extra filler calories. This is good as it will make you hungry sooner as your body can break it down. They typically add extra sauces and fatty oils. You can even find salads that pack over 1,000 calories. If you really want to dig in try a 2,400 calorie pasta dish. And in case you are thinking no way, that doesn't include the 3 large sodas you'll need to wash down the 5,290mg of sodium.

A days worth of calories in 1 sitting, YES!!

10. Eat Healthy Sounding Foods - Foods marketed as low fat, don't necessarily mean they've cut out the calories. Often they've replaced the fat with more calorie containing foods. People think low fat fruit flavored yogurts are just yogurt with fruit. Not so! Conveniently enough they've added some extra sweetner to not only make it taste better, but provide more calories. Other healthy foods you should keep an eye out for is the 600 calorie low fat muffin. Nothing better than getting 4 days worth of carbs in one convenient muffin. If they are all out of muffins a bagel is a close second. Be sure to smother it with a pound of cream cheese or butter. Get that Venti latte to wash it all down. You'll be getting over 1,000 calories that will run through you so fast that you'll be hungry in an hour.

Part I contains a lot of strategies pertaining to diet and exercise. Part II will focus on some more of this while hitting on some of the more abstract things and closing.

Got any good strategies to pack on the pounds? Post a comment below.

*The Bread Truck reference was coined by Scott and Todd. They are famous for phone scamming people on NYC radio 95.5 WPLJ.


Unknown said...

Don't forget to eat dinner right before bed too. We want to make sure that we don't go hungry while we sleep. Extra sauces are bonus.

Ryan said...

I cant wait to get a handicap parking permit.

Gregg said...

@Jared, yes great point!

Rich Pinnell said...

Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts.
Any way I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon.